My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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