Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
