I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
where are you?
Hypothermia
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.�
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Randomize
