you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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