I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
