soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
It's official drugs can't kill me
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
