I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
