There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
