only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
