ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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