i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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