Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
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