Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
A bitchslap is in order.
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