Pappa wants mamma naked
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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