My liver just broke up with me...
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
