Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
