How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
