I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
