I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
