I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
But I just had this pork p�t�. It was dick grabbing.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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