We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Randomize
