Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
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