Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize
