My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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