I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
