i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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