3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
