You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Randomize
