Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
