I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
