OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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