My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
