Dude my mom stole all your condoms
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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