haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Randomize
