dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Randomize
