The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
