Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
