Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
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