what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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