i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
