we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
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