I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
