i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
