I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
How naked do you want me to be?
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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