You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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