What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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