I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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