What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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