i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
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