Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
