You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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