Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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